This is Chumley Trapflapper with WGOFISH News Sunday Edition ...
Top of the news …
In an unprecedented election held late last night Wrangler Darly "You’ve Been Chummed" Davis was voted to the position of MVP President by a group of his peers. Davis, with a hangover that had him looking like a large burlap sack of crushed bums, accompanied by the always gorgeous Aliciata McCoyver stopped by the station for a brief interview. Davis, having insisted on a written set of questions prior to the interview had this in response:
FOR --0 RLC
_ ... p___ ... _n ... b___g ... _ ... f___ ... r_l_r ... __th ... fr__ ... R__ ... __r ... __l ... th_ ... n_w__es. I ... __ll ... b_ ... ann____ing ... __ ... c___n_t ... _pp_______ts ... f______ng ... t__ ... i_____rat__n ... s__e__le_ ... __r ... s___t__e ... __m___ow ... _v_n_ng. N_, ... ___ ... ___not ... h_v_ ... _ ... d__e ... w_th ... A____a. T__t’s ... __l ... f__ ... _ow, ... _e ... __ve ... pl_ns ... f__ ... t_e ... r-m__nd_r ... o_ ... __e ... d_y.
The Supreme Council of the Farovian Islands who were rumoured to have been incensed with the move move by Wranglers to organize themselves seemed quite calm. As it turns out, it was more the interruption of a Sunday out on the boat, caused by the emergency meeting, that bothered them. The meeting this afternoon to "discuss" the Wrangler Election issue involved several cases of Tarpit Stout and in the end they all staggered off in different directions not having the foggiest recollection of why they had met let alone who called the meeting in the first place.
Joe Faron, self proclaimed Supreme Leader and King of All Farovian Islands, was found in the server room staring vaguely off into oblivion through glazed eyes and with the oddest little smirk on his face, and naturally deemed "unavailable" for comment.
The FBI [Farovian Bureau of Instigation] is showing interest in Earls Shack of Waterport again. I caught up with Sir Manly A Stiffwick Esq., spokesperson for the bureau at the Rusty Hook [where he usually is] and with the aid of a few dozen Tarpit Stouts was able to squeeze the following out of him:
There have been a lot of people hanging around at Earls that we haven’t seen in quite a long time. They’re all goin’ in with these large, odd looking bundles wrapped with last Sundays paper and coming out with small beeping packages wrapped in octopus skin. On their way in they’re mighty careful with the package their haulin’ as well. Sometimes there’s a whole crew inchin’ along with this large bundle … mighty suspicious if you ask me.
Some of the more well established wranglers have been disappearing for long periods and suddenly reappearing without warning and the ones that aren’t disappearing are crankier than we’ve ever seen them. A lot of grumblin’ goin’ on about the place. Yea, an’ those that do disappear, when they return, some are ending up at the clinic getting frostbite treatment. Now even you’ll have to agree that this is very very odd, usually it’s just the newbies … hangin’ on to their first cubie for too long, admiring it, with that big dumb grin on their gobs, that get the frostbite.
The load on the GPS transmission system has gone nuts, we’ve never seen anything like it. It’s near peaked out all the time now – the needle never used to even flutter a bit above 0 before. The techies are comin’ in from the mainland to check it out.
The scariest part is that there’s been a lot of explosions lately amongst the wranglers. No one has been hurt but it’s all very suspicious and we’re pretty sure that Earl is at the bottom of it somehow … he usually is when things blow up.
[I suspect there was more to get out of Stiffwick, but at this point we were both more than a bit blotto and ended up in a fist fight over this cute, I think, little wranglette, I think, that walked in and clearly wanted to have neither of us – I’m sure of.]
I do recall mentioning that I had heard that there were couple of surly looking, no-neck beasts, rumour to be from the Blue Crescent Hotel and Casino, have been seen hanging around Earls but as yet, no one is able to make anything of it. Wondering if it could be related to these other issues Earl has himself involved in. Stiffwick could make nothing of it and was probably incapable of understanding the issue at any rate.
Several delegates from the EU Trades Commission arrived unexpectedly in Waterport late today. Anyone who has anything to do with shipping to/from Farovia has seemingly vanished so I expect it will be a while before the mystery unfolds.
Financial News …
The RLC market is seemingly stabilized ... according to renown financier Plumgob Snootybugger, who [again] foolishly asked to remain anonymous [snicker], ...
With recent events in Farovia, it would seen the RLC market is getting softer than the jubblies of a Joan of Farovia that’s been sitting, baking in the sun at the bottom of the boat for much too long. Prices are fluctuating wildly as the usual state of the market snivelling continues on rock solid but it is what it is. It’s not like we owe you the RLC at a set price. Let me remind you that the price is generally unwavering at the store where exchange really matters.
[Editor: Bit of pompous git our Mr. Snootybugger ... wouldn’t you say?]
The Farovian Music Scene ...
In a small ceremony of 30,000 wranglers, at the Blue Crescent Hotel and Casino early last evening Amusia Disambiguator of the Nasal Intonational Council of Farovia presented Mandi Richardson, the winner of the inaugural "Anthem for a Wrangler" Contest, with the top prize in the contest.
Richardson, presented her winning piece, "T'was The Night Before ..." to an enthralled audience after being presented with the coveted grand prize by Disambiguator.
The prize package is no less than an all expenses paid trip to Waterport where she will be accommodated at the internationally renown Waterport Hilton and escorted by none other than Earl himself to an all you can eat fish dinner at the grand opening of Bessy's new restaurant – once it opens.
The critics loved Richardson, a sampling of the reviews is as follows:
"...has the musical chops to become a legend... intimate & completely engaging. Every sound Richardson makes is part of the musical fabric... scats and sings lyrics with a feathery, breathy voice that is gentle, feminine and full of musical nuance and color... She handles flowing, simple melodies and complex, angular lines with equal ease...
- Bob Linechucker, Blue Cresent Boat and Fish Journal"Beautiful voice. The pitch, everything is perfect... She sings beautifully...5 stars"
- Berta Chumchomper, Fishing for the Freaks of Farovia Weekly Magazine"Richardson is a singer with a deep, almost magical connection to the music. She takes a lot of chances with her understated style, and it works. Every note is expressive, powerful, and pretty. And most important, her heart is in the right place."
- Sir Manly A Stiffwick Esq. ... Admirer"Richardsons soft angelic vocal qualities, warm as Brazilian breezes, encompass the room and fill our souls with the lovely sound of soft kisses and caressed bodies... I find myself waiting to exhale after every song.... At the moment, the world outside our musical haven does not exist. How she sings so beautifully with that fish in her mouth is stunning"
- Chumley Trapflapper, WGOFISH News
Rumour has it that Richardson will perform the number at the inaugural banquet of MVP President Darly Davis tomorrow night.
In Sports News …
The Kiwi Men's team showed excellent form in the early stages of the Farovian International Curling Championships held in the forum at Sans Culpra yesterday. They came from behind for a narrow 9-8 win over neighbours Australia and then beat the Chinese contingent to remain the only unbeaten team after four games. This morning the Kiwis will meet USA, who have dropped just one game, to complete the first half of the double round-robin pool play section. Japan and pre-tournament favourites China will also meet, both teams having a two-from-four record, while Australia will play the Chinese who were unlucky to lose an extra-end game against the Japanese. The final rounds in the Women's draw will run today to complete the double round robin pool. China and Japan, both ranked in the world top ten, have emerged as the form teams but the local NZ side can be assured of good local support as they strive to improve their 50% record for the season.
Ace reporter to the Farovian Times, Froggy Flabbottom interviewed Len Orthunder skip for the men's team from USA following their match on Saturday. Len gave Froggy a number of exclusive curling tips:
The most important tip in curling is well exercised, supple wrists. Wrist and the actions of the wrists are what make or break champions.
The next most important is hands, you’ve got to have big hands – not with fat fingers though, big hands with long thin agile fingers.
Finally, you need to have all your equipment within easy reach, stumbling around or over reaching can loose you hard won seconds in a tight match.
Let me share a few of my “hard won techniques of a wiener”, that work every time, when it comes to curling:
- Use a rat tailed comb and keep it tucked behind your ear and snugly, but not too tight, into your hair … of course if you don’t have any hair you’ll have to wear a ball cap – NY Giants is the one for me,
- Keep a good supply of bobby pins in your gob, nothing worse than rolling up a tight curl in record time, and realizing your out of pins,
- Curlers, you have to be able to hold at least a half-dozen in your “split-out” hand – that’s the one you use with the comb to nip out just the right amount of hair to be curled,
- Keep the “roll-up” hand free and well exercised [this is where us fellas win out over the girls, well usually] – a “roll-up” hand in top form, will win a match every time.
Froggy asked Len if the team uniforms, consisting of a grass skirt [worn ala kilt] and coconut shell bra, were intended to distract the other teams. Unfortunately Len had sashayed off before hearing the whole question and we may never know the answer.
Froggy then turned to interview the skip of the women's team Anita Gudshtupping, originally from Germany and currently living in the US on a very comfortable student visa. Unfortunately, he was a little late as she had just completed the cycle of rolling his brother ace photographer Flashbulb Flabbottom into a small ball, stuffing him into an empty coconut shell half [which seemed to have no purpose, considering Anita's construction] and punted him right out of the stadium as she shouted “I told you ... NO PICTURES, you stupid frog!”. Primarily due to the fact that both the men's and women's team wear identical uniforms [yes, ala kilt as well], although all eyes were on the incident, nobody noticed where, or even if, Flashbulb landed.
Public Service Bulletin [as found] ...
Joe Faron;
alvin, relax brotha. im not changing anything with the old poles leveling. the only thing i'm going to be doing within the next month is allowing level 50/50 poles to have two 25 level addons, which will bring it to level 100.. and at every increment, such as 60,70,80,90,100.. there will be a new "quest" where you have to find speem.cific fish to make a dish for earls wife bessy's new restaurant. once you complete a quest, you then get the dish displayed on your profile, and each quest/dish will have a different level of difficulty. i'll be posting more on this later.. but this will just make your hard work, more worth it.. since you'll get an extra something now for having a level 50/50 pole.
Now back to the Chumley Trapflapper Show, Noon to sometime thereafter with the top 10,000 countdown.
Next on the countdown is number 7,701 ... "Beak Beak Beak Me Baby" by "The Mammoth Squids".
WGOFISH ... 123.45 [a number even Wranglers can remember] on your radio dial, the FM station of choice by all Farovians.
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