This is Popceleb Wannabe [station manager] broadcasting from the WGOFISH Mobile unit for Chumley Trapflapper with the WGOFISH Sunday News ...
Tragedy at WGOFISH
Chumley Trapflapper beloved Farovian radio celeb and all round pretty neat guy was involved in a horrendous event yesterday here at the station. The event has put Chumley in the Waterport Institute for the Real Nutters & Day Care Center better known colloquially as the Uncle Fudnicks Cracker Factory. He is also wanted by authorities, as a direct result of the yesterdays events, on one charge of “Invoking Reality in a Fantasy Zone” and at least two counts of “Inciting Innocents to Invoke Reality”. The authorities have provided us a press release on the matter and it goes a little something like this:
“Arrest warrants were issued late yesterday for Chumley Trapflapper beloved Farovian radio celeb and all round pretty neat guy on the following counts;
1) One count of “Invoking Reality in a Fantasy Zone” an aggravated felony involving minimum sentencing of loss of fishing license for two days if found guilty, and
2) Two counts of “Inciting Innocents to Invoke Reality” a misdemeanour involving a minimum sentence, on each count, of banishment to “that other place” if found guilty.”“We [the authorities] are well aware of the circumstances surrounding the events and have investigated the matter as thoroughly as we usually do. We [again it’s us – the authorities] are also aware that Chumley is a beloved Farovian radio celeb and all round pretty neat guy but, the facts of the matter lead us to believe that the steps we have taken might just, in this specific instance, somehow not be the ones that lead us down the bloody garden path - again.”
“If Trapflapper ever makes it out of the Uncle Fudnicks, which considering the mess he was when they hauled into the place yesterday – is highly unlikely, he will be arrested and charged with the crimes mentioned above.”
All that is known at this time about the event is from the only witness, Pairo Giantjubblies the stations receptionist. Shattered by the event and believed to have been involved with Trapflapper at some unthinkable level, Pairo had this to say from the penthouse suite [apparently paid for by the station] where she currently resides:
“There was this bright light coming from the booth window, it was blinding, and lasted for about 14 minutes ... the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. And the booth, it’s sound proof you know, but there was this unholy groaning moaning evil sound that filled the whole building for the whole time. It was all I could do to put down my emery board and call the authorities to help. If it hadn’t been for Brawny Studmuffin who rescued, ummmm ... ahhhh, oh yea, Chumly and then kindly made sure I got home safe and sound, I’m sure I would just be a mess by now.”
We caught up with Studmuffin at PeePot Petes where he was sitting at a corner of the bar mumbling into his chum-bucket of Tarpit-on-Tap. Typically, as soon as we sidled up beside him and plopped down on the adjacent stool, he starts running off at the mouth like a soup sandwich:
“I sure don’t know the why wranglers keep bringing that stuff in here? Isn’t there that sign at the entrance that says please leave you baggage behind? I don’t get it sometimes, whadda they think that means ... their luggage? Don’t they know that reality is lethal to Farovians? Heck, we don’t even talk about the stuff – most Farovians don’t even know it exists.”
“So I guess you wanna know what happened. Well, we got the call, rounded up all the team from their jobs and headed on over to the station to see what was up. We walk in the door and there’s Pairo, jabberin’ away and bouncing up and down. Well, nobody could even think straight until we got her to stop bouncing. Once she did though there wasn’t any need to try decipherin’ the jabbering ... you could smell it in the air – Reality. In Farovia, the worst kind of trouble.”
“We all just stopped, looked at each other and then sprang into action. HazMat suits for every-one, the Skitzo Seine for Chumly [be the only thing strong enough to contain him – if he was still alive] and six chum-bucket sized spritzers of “Earls Patented Reality-Check”.”
”Ah, Reality-Check, nasty stuff, almost as bad for you as Reality itself but it sure works. The stuff is shipped in you know. From what I understand, it’s a fermentation process from the proceeds of the Sweat-Sock Exchange. Yea, that’s the one ... you swap out the pair of woolly socks you’ve been wearing all week for a fresh pair. Every Sunday – never miss it. Well, they gather them all up and ship them out somewhere, where they get fermented into Reality-Check and it gets shipped back. The wranglers call it Scotch I think, doesn’t matter what you call it though, it’s without doubt the nastiest most disgusting stuff ever to be fermented it makes quick work of reality.”
“Anywho, back to the scene. We get suited up, spritz everything down with Reality-Check, get Chumley wrapped up in the Skitzo Seine and ship him off to the Cracker Factory.”
“Then it’s off to Pairos place for a bit of ... umm, ... toast – yea, went over and she made me some toast, then, I headed down here.”
Concerned about Chumley, I wobbled myself [the interview with Studmuffin was a bit longer and a couple of chum-buckets over what I had intended] over to the Cracker Factory to see how things were shaping up and when I’d get my ace DJ and all round pretty neat guy back to his desk. Well, once the Health Authority lifts the ban on entry to the place. I arrive to find that Chumley has been placed in total isolation and lock-down – still wrapped in the Skitzo Seine and is reportedly in “not exactly the best condition”. I did manage to catch up with Mustabeen Apatient the owner/operator of the facility but, interviewing a guy who seems to be attempting a rendition of the Montey Pithon skit “Ministry of Silly Walks” while flapping his lips with his index finger and tugging at his ears with the other hand, [being half in the sac yourself] didn’t produce a thing worth reporting. It would seem that our Chumley Trapflapper beloved Farovian radio celeb and all round pretty neat guy may be out for a bit.
Farovia Suffers “Brown-Out” – Aussies to Blame
Grossly under-loaded servers during the period when Australians are expected to pick up the slack, caused a service brown-out in Farovia for the other participating wranglers. An apparent “celebratory week-end” colloquially referred to as Mardi Gras had our friends down where the toilets swirl backward dropping their rods [in a manner of speaking] in place of costumes, beads and beer. Joe Faron, self proclaimed Supreme Leader and King of All Farovian Islands, was found in the server room whimpering, his arms around the servers, as under loaded hard-drives spun out of control. There was no consoling him with the fact that the Aussies were within their right ... beer was involved. Those still on line, were bored to tears, some even deciding to log off early which further augmented the deteriorating condition.
On the bright side of the event, Wranglette Mandi "Chanteur to the Royal Court" Richardson was reportedly atop the Fish Wrangler float in the associated “Pride Parade”, totally inebriated, doing her best Daryl Hannah in full “Splash” regalia - belting out her newest top hit ...
“An Ode to Mardi Gras: Fishing Queen”
You can fish, you can dive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the fishing queenFriday night and the tides are low
Looking out for the place to go
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a bite
Any cast could get that prize
Night is young, hours ‘til sun rise
With a bit of Night fishing, everything is fine
You’re in the mood for a match
And when you land a catch ...You are the fishing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Fishing queen, feel the heat from Farovian marine
You can fish, you can dive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the fishing queenYou’re a baiter, you turn ‘em on
Hook them easy and then you’re gone
Looking out for another, anyone will do
You’re in the mood for a match
And when you land a catch ...You are the fishing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Fishing queen, feel the heat from Farovian marine
You can fish, you can dive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the fishing queen
... and now over to the Sports Desk
--
The Sports Desk
David Nickl
Roger Roider here, with your Sunday Edition of the Sports and Outdoors report, brought to you by the Blue Crescent Hotel and Casino, Where you can always play craps… with or without money.
The Fishertonville 500
Today’s Fishertonville 500 race was an exciting one as Calvin Hardlick edged out Geoff Jordan on the final lap to win the season opening NASBAR event. After the race, we learned the The Underpaid Deckhands Racing Team was fined 1 million Farovian dollars, and Crew Chief Frankie the Nubbin was suspended for 3 races for failing inspection on Thursday before qualifying. Driver Deckhand Diego was also suspended for 5 races for a series of on track incidents, rumored to have been ordered by team owner Evil Earl. A NASBAR official, citing anonymity, has said an investigation into the allegations is ongoing. Be sure to catch the Tarpit Stout 250, next weekend, from Waterport Raceway.
The Waterport Whammers
MVP President Daryl Davis, already scheduled to throw out the first pitch for the season opener at Whammer Stadium , has issued a proclamation stating that everyone who attends will receive 10 pieces of Red Love Chum… which is known as a hot topic for the local fishing community. The Whammers host the Strikers from Sans Culpra April 1st through 3rd. Tickets are still available at the stadium ticket office.
Farovian Break Dancing League
The FBDL [Farovian Break Dancing League] continued its season this week. The Waterport Cubie-Slid3rz ended their 3 match losing skid as they knocked off the Fishertonville Spinn3rz.
The Blue Crescent b-Boyz were awarded the victory in their match against the Coast Guard Crew known as R3scuze, when the Coast Guard was unable to attend the match. Officials with the Coast Guard claimed that they were out on rescues, or out fining illegal scuba dives. Many of those in attendance think otherwise.. As BC b-Boyz Captain, Br3akN3ck, told me in an interview ...
“Man we know demz CG fooz waz too blowed [drunk] to come get some of da b-Boyz”
Coast Guard officials have yet to reply to calls about this allegation.
Trophy Fish Anomalies
Wranglers from all over Farovia are noticing that the amount of trophy fish being caught around the islands seem to be on the rise. One look at the Trophy Fish boards and its easy to see. We caught up with one local Wrangler in Fishertonville who thinks he might know what’s going on ...
“ Its those people from Icelantica man… they’re bring their glacier water or whatever with them when they come over here.. And that’s makin’ the fish like ... bigger man.”
Others have a different idea. Like University of Farovia at Waterport Marine Biologist Fishguts Emaciator ... who says that:
“Tests on recent specimens around the Islands has indicated high levels of un natural chemicals, not unlike those found in Hair Gel, Perfumes, and other fluid potions”
Officials have looked into the matter, and have determined that the influx of Trophy Fish simply a “fluke”.
The Farovian Outdoors report ...
... brought to you by the Icelantica Tourism Board ... Visit Icelantica… and have no money left to get home ...
- Waterport and Blue Crescent are ideal this week… Calm seas and light winds.
- Sans Culpra is still under a Swift Current Advisory
- Fishertonville is seeing high seas, and strong winds… Dinghy Advisories are posted.
This is Roger Roider reminding you to Check your nets, Air your Balls, and go for the SCORE!! Listen to WGOFISH for the latest news, weather and sports stories from around Farovia.
... and now back to Popceleb for the wrap-up
The “Three Card Monty” Beat ...
Authorities are warning wranglers to be on their guard and keep an eye peeled for wrangler Ima Totalmoron. No this is not the real name and we’re unsure if they really have one. A number of the aliases known to be used by Ima have been published to a recent popular community event. Although there is no evidence of wrong-doing at hand, we firmly believe that if there actually is nothing up, then the name we’ve chosen to use is even more fitting.
All wranglers are urged to be extremely careful when making donations of RLC and Gold to people they just do not know. Be sure to check out profiles and if it looks goofy [someone else just gave them 100 RLC or 10,000 Gold – for good karma] ... run away, it most assuredly is goofy! If the OP is from Yabberwonky Prep School and there are other bids from Yaberwonky knocking the price up, even if it “seems” they don’t know each other ... it’s Three Card Monty in action folks.
FYI: The Yaberwonky folks can’t see that their post have Yaberwonky in them.
Be careful out there folks and good fishin’.
WGOFISH in the future ...
Yes, as you’ve probably concluded by now Chumley is out of the game for a spell. BUT, WGOFISH isn’t owned by Chumly it’s owned by me, Popceleb Wannabe and it’s doors will always be open and independent broadcasters welcome to use the facility at their leisure for fun, profit and fame. In addition Pairo Giantjubblies, my <ahem> assistant will be available to archive any broadcasts you care to make ... time permitting.
I will be visiting Chumley at the Cracker Factory as time permits and will be more than happy to regale you with his adventures here on WGOFISH – you really can’t keep a screw ball like him down for long. If it looks like the bout with Reality that has taken down our Chumley, beloved Farovian radio celeb and all round pretty neat guy for the count, then we’ll be shopping around for a replacement as soon as the grisly details are in.
Unfortunately, without a DJ, we will no longer be able to bring you the wide variety of fishing tunes you all seem to enjoy so much, but my plan is to prop open the elevator door and tape the studio mike to the speaker in there. This should provide you with some noise to fish by on an uninterrupted basis, as the studio is in a one storey building and no one uses the elevator anyway.
Good fishing, tight lines and thanks for all the fish.
This is Popceleb Wannabe [station manager] at WGOFISH signing off ...
::ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss::
No comments:
Post a Comment